Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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