but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I need to calm my uterus...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
