We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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