Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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