My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
