she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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