It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
