Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
