I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
