Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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