Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
