dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
