if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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