If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
