I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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