He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
