Too much gin, very little bucket
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
