You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There's always time for handjobs
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
