the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
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After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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