I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
