Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
