You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
