i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
