I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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