Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
