How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
