anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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