i just wanna soil my oats bro
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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