just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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