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Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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