the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
