Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im six kinds of drunk right now
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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