I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
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there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.