I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.