I faked an abortion last night.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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