accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
