Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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