Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
