I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
