I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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