Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
