well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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