I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she smelled like a LAN party
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize