i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
