if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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