is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
