the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
