got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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