FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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