I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
