Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
