He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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