I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
