I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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