ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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