She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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